2006-02-04 - 7:40 p.m.

a strange wind overtook me today and made me want to convert, in a hardcore (biblical?) fashion, to christianity. i do not like mood swings like this. they cause me to eat excessively, listen to KLOVE, read the bible, shun tight t-shirts and treat the kids i babysit for as gems when really they are crazy.

religion is an uncomfortable subject with me. anyone who knows me knows that i'm probably one of the biggest sinners out there. i mean, come on, i've got them all practised to an art. my friend erin once told me, "of all the weird things you've done, becoming a christian was probably the weirdest." i was christian, for a time. i even went so far as to get baptised, except i decided the week before my baptism that i didn't want to be a christian anymore and then when the time came, i said different words than the ones the pastor wanted me to repeat, and never went to that church again.

i suppose it's all a result of vulnerability, my low sex drive, and listening to tom leykis on the zone glorify a male caller who was rattling on, "the only time i want to see a woman hot and sweaty is when she's searching around my room for her panties and i'm calling her a cab."

sex upsets me. it didn't always. for a while i played the game splendidly, but then i got tired. still, i am living in a world where a woman can do just about everything a man can, which can also be turned around to say that men can do everything women can, and the only use we have is the hole between our legs. "if they didn't have cunts, there'd be a bounty on them," concedes my father, who speaks for a vast majority of men- with 3 billion in the world, i'd claim about 98%, with the remaining ones either being crazy mutants who missed the memo that women are shit, or priests, who don't participate in the sexual process, at least not with women. i am a woman, and a loudmouthed, obnoxious, do-your-fucking-dishes-i-already-asked-you-10-times woman. but i'm tired of the only sway i have with men, being my vagina. i speak for me personally, before all you other women get up in arms. i have no useful talents. i cannot cook, mop the floor properly, fix pipes, Be A Provider, recite religious doctrine, give a massage, or coerce my nipples into healing after they've been pierced. it has grated since i moved in with my boyfriend, who is handy, and when he is putzing around fixing things, or getting paid (which he does, more than i do, and more frequently) then it's difficult to not feel like a useless lump of crap. therefore, the only way i can consider my existence validated, is if i put out, and as often as is asked, even if it's like last night, when i was woken up at five and after being asked twice, "are you asleep?" and mumbling something to the affirmative, asked to have sex. this is one thing that confused the hell out of me where my boyfriend is concerned. i'm not sure if he's dense, stubborn, or determined, but for some reason half an hour of apathy does little to convince him that i don't feel like having sex. let's call it determination.

seeking out christianity, i think, is the desire in me to return to the innocent, ignorant, blissfully sex-free person i once was when i was a teenager, back when not doing drugs or drinking didn't make you weird, it made you normal. despite all its misgivings, in church was the only time that i didn't feel like a freak among nature, oddly enough for my heathen self.

i don't even know what i think about god. i was reading recently that jews acknowledge god as a force, with no gender or form, and that it's crazy to picture god as a human. jews seem to have a good grip on the divine. they seem infinitely more logical than christians.

i'll quit talking religion since i know it makes people either roll their eyes or feel uncomfortable. all i know is that i am desperately in need of friends, and a healthy sexual relationship, which i currently do not have. i mean, i have a lot of sex. but i don't enjoy it at all. and i can't tell my boyfriend that because i know how healthy HIS sex drive is, and news like this would either be devastating, or cause him to want to have more sex so that he can figure out what the problem is and fix it. since he's handy. god damn it all to blackest hell.

i didn't comply with my decision to only eat diet soda today, but i'm not in distress. these pants are, after all, a size five, and not fitting into them seems logical.

there is nothing left to say. i am still sad.

the coolest song in the world right now is:...
if i were an emoticon i'd be:sad.

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