2006-02-07 - 10:15 p.m.

who needs friends when i have the internet and books competing for my attention?
in the news, deborah has had mexican food for dinner. it is disagreeing with her. that is all.
i learned an important life lesson yesterday. do NOT drink diet soda on an empty stomach, especially first thing in the morning. that shit is 100% chemicals. it will fuck you up. i spent my entire math class (which i had a test in, incidentally, unbeknownst to my truant self) wanting to cry, flexing my stomach to keep from vomiting, trying to decipher the numbers on the page, and, when it came time to leave, i spent a full five minutes staring at the clock trying to decide whether it said 11 or 12. i bombed the damn test, i'm sure. i'll have to spend all semester making up for it.

i figured out last night that if you ask your boyfriend, who you don't really want to have sex with, to have sex with you, because concentrating on the straining and grunting is better to think about than the facets of all the different methods of suicide, then something is a bit wrong. amid many tears last night all my neuroses were dug out and discussed. the first conclusion we came to is that since i hate sex so damn much, i shouldn't be having it unless i want to, because forcing myself to isn't doing me any good and is probably making the problem even worse. i explained to him in meticulous detail that this may mean he doesn't get laid more than once a month until whatever is fucked up in my head is solved, but he assured me - repeatedly - that he could handle it, and that me telling him my problems was less of a burden than the one i was currently imposing by not telling him anything.

quite frankly i'm not sure if i believe him or not. i have so much difficulty with generalisations and i know that most guys under this set of rules would just go find another hole to stick it in. i'm too tired to be pessimistic so i'm hoping matt is not one of them. otherwise i'm going to eat a big plate of deborah words which i don't really enjoy. mostly because i'm foulmouthed and they all taste like, you guessed it, shit.

today has been a good day. i have been singing.

tomorrow is school, and work, and exercise inbetween those. actual paying attention in math class will commence. i didn't mean to skip test review day. it just sort of happened.

love, deborah

the coolest song in the world right now is:you don't want to know.
if i were an emoticon i'd be:spiffy.

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